Monday, February 1, 2016

I'm So Gonna Be A Billionaire Like Bruno Mars!

           Every once in a year maybe twice if I'm lucky I get a wild hair and I decide. Hey I need to write in my blog cause it's like a diary and stuff and I have been neglecting it. Well Here goes probably the only entry for 2016 and it's only February but miracles can happen. 

Today I want to talk about my life if I had a billion dollars like I win the lottery or something. What would be different what would be on my list of things to buy. 

1.  The first thing I would do would donate money to some like smarty pants doctors and tell them to cure depression in all forms. Because no matter how much money I have that would not change.  I think I would also start a really insanely pervasive campaign to tell people. "Listen asshole, I can't just snap out of it." It's not just something you get over in time. Get it straight dude! I think I would have ribbons too but what color would they be? Hmm dunno...gray? Oh they already exist. They are green? Are we jealous other people don't have depression. I don't understand this? Or is this just the only ribbon color left? Gray seems more fitting but whatever. If I had 100 billion dollars I could change it to the way I want it.

2.  Then I thought okay well I would want a nicer car. But like my little red Hyundai has everything I need. Maybe I could get a heated steering wheel installed but like there are gloves. Maybe I would just buy another car to drive around in, in the snow cause Nashville has been pissing me off with all this damn ice and snow the past few years.  

No you cannot have a ride and yes I will be there. Wherever there is....

3. I think the next thing I would buy well I thought about this. I thought how about a bigger house... well why though....I like my house it needs help I would buy the help but do I really need a bigger house for just me and then like all the people that come out of the woodwork when you suddenly have money would want to stay in the guest rooms and stuff and just no. 

4. I would of course quit my job which would in turn ruin my life because my depression is so border line under control. Like if I had money I think I would just like sleep all the time and like live in my bed and never go out. Then I could pay someone to come get me up and be like my official "waker-upper" and then pay another person to train my dogs not to tear up my shit and then poop in the floor because like no matter what I do my one dog just refuses.  I would feel bad about making someone clean up poop but hey I'd pay them well. 

5. The 5th thing I would get would be like full body liposuction and boobs. Or if not that then a chef who would of course serve me in my bed healthy but not healthy tasting food that would make me skinny. Then I would hire someone to come and like exercise me. They would have to get the personal assistant I hired to poor like 20 Redbulls down my throat or like my adderall so I would actually you know....get out of bed. 

6. The 6th thing I would buy would be whatever hot guy I wanted at the moment to be my love slave. Right now it's Adam Levine. So yeah move over African mutant freak. I'm buying your husband! 

Then when I got sick of Adam I think I would buy one at a time of course I'm a LADY, the cast of Supernatural.  Like Jensen for a while, then Jared, then Misha and they would cater to me all while filming my show see below.

7.  Then I would like produce a tv show about my boring ass life and call it. My boring ass-life with depression. Then maybe my nieces would want to hang out with me because I'm convinced that those damn Kardashians only hang out with each other while the camera is rolling and then they are all like I hate you.....or like my nieces go to their respective rooms and play on their computers or phones or both.

8. The next thing I would buy would be whatever the hell Christie Brinkley is taking to look 20 when she's like 60 like wtf....genetics has a part but there is some magic potion or she sold her soul to the devil or something. I could sell my soul to the devil then buy it back that's how much money I would have! Omg I just googled it this woman is 60...satan owns her it's the only explanation! Seriously!

9. I almost forgot! The other thing I would buy would be a rocket to Mars. One way no return. I have a very long list of people that belong on it and there would be no choice the people I want would have to get on my damn rocket like I've always dreamed. and only some of them would get the suit thingies cause I hated them the least. Volunteering would not be an option. So I wouldn't piss me off lol. *cough* Kardashians and Jenners


Well what wouldn't be:

 -Is my dogs.. I love them they are my fur kids and stuff.

-I don't think I would buy a bigger house cause like how depressing is it to live in this ginormous mansion along with your two dogs. I don't even go up my stairs in the house I have now.  So there would be no point. 

-My car starts when I want it to. Maybe I would buy a car or invent one or something that goes to get it's own gas or something cause getting gas is just a stupid nuisance. After I bought all my man toys up further in this blog I think I wouldn't be happy because they would be with me for my money and because I've forced them and stuff and that would be fun for a bit then I'd be all but you don't love me. Leave! 

-So I still wouldn't have the one thing I've always dreamed of and that is: A soul-mate, a man who understands me and the inner workings of me. I don't know if that's even possible. I don't even understand the inner workings of me so how could someone else?  I certainly don't know if such a man exists, but if I had like all the liposuction and boobs maybe I would be more desirable leading to this dream....Idk....then there is this biological clock issue I want kids but I have no man Maybe I would hire that weirdo doctor dude from e-harmony to like find me a mate or else. Cause like I did the 45 minute quiz and had NO FREAKING MATCHES! That's first of all just awful and humiliating and second bad business. I mean in all the world not one person matches me ffs man help a sista out!!!!  Is there photoshop for real life? Just a random question for my e-harmony dates.

-I would pay people to make sure not a flake of snow or ice touches my driveway, but I can't pay them to do that for every road I use. I don't know if I'd leave Nashville and run away like I've wanted to forever in some fantasy world.  Like the movie Burlesque without the singing voice and the rocking bod. Cause like I have neither.  I'd be back in a week unfortunately, hate on it I do a lot, but Nashville is my home, I'm not sure I could live anywhere else. Have a 2nd, 3rd or 4th house somewhere sure, but I would live here mainly.

       After the networks cancelled my truly boring and depressing show about depression I would just hang out all day with my dogs I think. Because my nieces would have gone back to ignoring me and I would no longer be like a star on twitter and instagram so I'm just normal old aunt Julie the spinster. So yeah that would fade.

I wouldn't buy a boat or whatever that country song says. Cause boats take like effort and, no thanks! A yacht, maybe if it were run by the crew of that show about Yachting on like Bravo or something.  I can't think of it. It's call like All Aboard or something? I like water, but like boats take gas and like driving it and like effort and no one rich should ever have to use effort. The point of having money is to never have to work. 

OH MAYBE I WOULD GET ONE OF THOSE LADIE'S MAID PEOPLE LIKE ON DOWNTON ABBEY! Dress me and stuff! Woohoo! But I don't want to talk funny like them. I like American so like American Downton.

I would buy a plane maybe to take me to all these glamorous awards shows that I would have amazing seats and meet all the stars at them and put our pics on instagram cause like I would be the person to be seen with and stuff, because like I could buy them. The seats. I could buy the seats....but if I was that rich the stars too, everyone has a price. I'd be famous for being rich sort of like Paris Hilton and Donald Trump and all the Kardashians, without the stupidity and racism.  I would also pay Donald Trump to drop out of the Presidential race just stay where you belong Donnie! Celebrity Apprentice is good for you and as a President I say. YOU'RE FIRED! 

         I would become best friends with the biggest stars in Hollywood then the drama would start and they would be all busy or needy and no thanks....I'd be all like I'll call you and then just change my number. Then go home and snuggle with whatever hot guy was currently serving his time. I mean with me (hehe) NO DRAMA! and NO PAPARAZZI unless I looked smoking out or something, but that's like never so yeah no! 

       OH but with the plane comes my personal waker-upper and my personal chef and my personal assistant and my personal makeup artist and hair dresser cause like I'm too rich (lazy) to do it myself. You can't just show up at awards shows looking like I look every day that is just not acceptable I don't care how rich you are. Then I would pay someone to like entertain me during the boring parts. And like take me to all the parties and stuff...

      I would still be insecure as hell. No matter what I looked like or who I was friends with or how much money I had,  so meeting all these stars with my social anxiety would be all awkward, and being as blunt as I am.  I might actually tell Taylor Swift what I think of her and then she will like turn Apple against me or like summon Satan to murder me or something and then I would just go back to having no friends, except like Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez sometimes because they are like friends with everyone and I'm not sure that's a good thing.  Then Miley Cyrus would bug me and all that and I would be like dude put your tongue back in your mouth. What's with that I hate it. Grow your hair out and oh btw your boy friend or whatever may be on my list of men to buy for a few weeks so just be prepared and all that. 

But until that happens I will just have to wonder and wait. I might come up with some more stuff later but that's why there are multiple blog posts. So for the 2 people reading this blog because I like FORCED them or else. I hope you like it and stuff. Even if not you better comment below that you do I need the validation.


I signed it like that  cause it's supposed to be an online diary and stuff but like it sounds stupid to say Dear Blog so yeah um......k.....more random thoughts to come when and what about are to remain a mystery! See, now my blog is all mysterious and tantalizing and you have to follow it cause like if you don't you may miss next year's post about something totally random cause I ramble it's what I do it's what I'm queen of. Long live the rambling queen....Is it weird if I say that about myself? Like Queen Elizabeth doesn't go around saying Long Live the Queen. Hmmm maybe I will buy the right to do that with all my money.