Thursday, March 20, 2014

Adulthood even negatively affects my dog....and how I burnt a hole in my jacket!

Ok so my dog Cotton (who's a girl dammit, get it straight A GIRL) and I disagree on feeding times.

 I think she should be fed in the mornings before I go to work. Cotton however disagrees. She in classic dog style likes to eat when SHE wants to no matter where I place her food. My friend Kristin thought it was cute because apparently it's a common things that doggies like to eat when you're there. The only problem with this logic is I'm THERE in the mornings too. How is that different?

Here's where things start to matter. Well I mean they matter cause I love Cotton like my child. It's rather sick actually.  I want her to eat so that she can live because like I said I love her an unhealthy amount. So, that's important. It's not that she eats that is the issue its when she chooses to do it. 

   I work from 7AM to 3:30 PM almost every single day. No really except two a week like a bonafide adult. Cotton, my precious, is very good about not using the carpet or other floor-like surfaces for a bathroom after much and I mean MUCH patience when she was a puppy trying to potty train her. Finally about a year and a nearly ruined carpet later, it worked. Puppies just can't hold it like dogs can. So, in a perfect world Cotton would gobble down her food in the morning like she used to (still investigating what changed) and then sadly because adulthood blows, 8 hours later I come home and immediately take her out. She goes about 95.4 percent of the time. (percentage estimated) 

So this habit she has of eating at night totally fucks up my world. There are good reasons why. One, I get all paranoid she will starve to death because she didn't eat her food and I will on occasion shut my bedroom door. The stupid thing behind this is that dogs have not yet mastered door knobs and therefore her uneaten food from the morning is behind the door. This I completely understand is all my fault but on the flip side if she'd eat in the morning like I want then I wouldn't have to shut the door when I leave.

I wouldn't shut my bedroom door but the very interesting things that she is amazing at finding when I leave my bedroom door open is kind of embarrassing if anyone else but me were to come over, such as previously worn underwear.  

   K, so little story, The other night it was some ungodly early hour like 1AM or something and Cotton mysteriously decided she couldn't sleep through the night and because she's cute as hell, her way of telling me she needs to potty is by laying her cute little head on my chest in bed and whining.  Well this one day as usual I was searching for shoes and a jacket as it was rather cold outside.  In the TV show West Wing Martin Sheen always throws his jacket backwards over his head and puts it on that way. Where he throws the back of it backwards.  Well this particular night, half asleep, I decide to pull this move for some inexplicable reason and then I smelt a strange smell. It smelled like something burning. Did I mention I have a very low hanging chandelier in my kitchen? Well if you have read this story it doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened.  My work jacket to go with my uniform now has a pretty burn hole in the bottom and I was so pissed, but not at Cotton.  It isn't her fault. When you gotta go you gotta go. I was pissed at the fact that I had to get up in like 3 hours and I totally it was my fault and now my OCD has to live with a hole in my damn jacket.  I can't forget it there. I try, but I can't. Poor Cotton couldn't figure out what the hell the hold up was.  Mommy was being dumb Cot.

Getting up at 1 AM and taking my dog out does not for good REM sleep make. Damn you adult job with adult responsibilities. I hate you!  More complaining on that job thingy later. Trust me it's my favorite thing to bitch about and since this is my blog I can! :P

Here is a picture of my baby!

That ladies and gentleman is the apple of my eye by Cot-Bot! (Cotton)

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Down the Rabbit Hole

I've always dreamed of being one of these so-called "computer geniuses." (Also, a famous blogger you can have MORE THAN ONE dream, don't judge me.)

The adage "Be careful what you wish for." Is swirling around in my over active mind.

I recently noticed my computer is dragging ass.  Not my internet which, until we get Google Fiber Optics in a few years will just be slow and something we have to accept.

I don't care about the internet being slow, my computer in general is taking forever to do anything.  So I sought out one of these "computer genius" people that happens to be the boyfriend of my BFF. 

HE SCARES ME!  There's only one reason. In the type of OCD I have I tend to get obsessed with a subject and completely study the hell out of it until I know EVERYTHING. Prepare for me to bug the crap out of you, Michael, until I have picked your brain clean of all knowledge....I KID YOU NOT! BEWARE!

Sometimes ignorance truly is bliss.  He's introducing me to the world of installing RAM and SSD drives and how to make your computer bad ass without having to buy another one.

I feel myself going down the rabbit hole QUICKLY. It's a bottomless, never ending wealth of knowledge that I will never be able to get over completely. 

I lived under the stupid person fog of the belief Mac is awesome....get a Macbook and they last forever and you never have to worry.  Well I'm learning very quick that this is not the case.

When I was a kid if my toys would break I would completely go postal.  I am a person who always wants the best of everything and I never want it to break.  If it does break I want it fixed INSTANTLY. 

I think I need to recruit Harry fricking Potter to be like computero updato!

For example: a car should start when you turn the key, a computer should boot when you turn it on. If you push buttons on a keyboard that letter should just appear.

Once upon a time in temper tantrum land.  I had a macbook who's keys started falling off and I was all WTF? Keys aren't supposed to just be COMING OFF of computers WTH MAN! I went in and stalked the Mac Store until they gave me a new "E" button.  They weren't so happy with me after that. I think I have secretly been blacklisted from all Mac stores.  I was NOT a happy camper. TO SAY THE VERY LEAST!

When you mess with my toys you better be ready to deal with the fall out. It is not pretty! 

The only thing I take more seriously than my gadgets is my friendships, and anyone who knows me even a little knows how FIERCELY loyal I am and how I will cut a bitch for one of my friends.

So you can imagine how impossibly horrible I am when something I own breaks or is not in "the tip top best condition of anything in the world currently existing" (at least of the world I KNOW of)

My adult "toys" are not the dirty things that you are thinking of....GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER! My toys now are electronics.

BIG PROBLEM: Another reason why adulthood blows!
As a kid your parents bought you the toys and in my case if it broke you threw a fit until you got it fixed or got a new one.

Yeah another reason adulthood sucks is you have to spend your own damn money, or if that fails and you find yourself broke like me, explain to my completely computer illiterate parents why I need a new 2,000 dollar computer. That they see as a toy.....A VERY EXPENSIVE, OVER PRICED, NEVER GONNA HAPPEN, TOY.

-Did I mention that I just spend like 500 dollars on an IPAD mini? Oh yeah little over a month ago.. I NEEDED MORE TOYS!!!! To the complete annoyance of said parents who couldn't understand why I needed it. Which honestly I really don't

To me my hobbies are my life.  I don't NEED the fastest computer on Earth (I just want it).  I also want to be a famous blogger and that requires a keyboard and an internet connection and a tiny bit of writing talent, which I'm still deciding whether I have. Every time I have to WAIT for anything to load on my computer it used to frustrate me, yes, but now it INFURIATES the hell out of me.  MUST BE FASTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

COMPUTERO UPDATO....OR WALLETO GROWUS! JOBUS GET BETTERUS! Surely Harry Potter the "boy who lived" can help me out with this. Come on Harry you can kill Voldemort surely you can help me with my computer!

I'm seriously terrified of entering this new world of computer geekdom. Cause it's a bottomless pit of unending improvements and never ending releases of new and better toys.  Pray for me. I need it!

I'm seriously scared!

-gets in fetal position and sucks thumb trying to regain a semblance of my childhood-

BEING AN ADULT SUCKS! The only thing that makes being an adult a teeny bit better is LOTS AND LOTS OF MONEY! SO I NEED THAT! NOW! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh! Here I go quickly down the rabbit hole. I hope Alice is there to help me navigate wonderland....


Friday, February 28, 2014

Damn You Possessed Evil Chair At My Work

Okay, so where I work they have these "rolly" know the ones with wheels that you know...roll.

Things about hateful, evil chair:
-all cracked and wheels are so covered in dust and grime they are no longer black.

-legs do not steer it where you would like it to go (see later in post where bang knee OUCH!!!!)

-little lever that "lifts it up" works but only sorta. (look like idiot standing up and adjusting lever)

Here's a little story that has happened more than once: (Daily more like)

Me:  Hi (to other person, not chair)  How are you? (serious face) What's happening in your life...blah blah...serious talk serious talk....(listening intently) 

Person: Response, response..... serious..... serious

Me: Still listening intently chair sinks one notch.... I ignore it keep listening.  Chair keeps sinking another notch this time a little sooner than before.

Person: Talking away about something I should be paying attention to but all I can think about is that the damn chair is sinking. 

Me: Wonder and obsess over whether I look like a complete idiot as I'm listening intently and slowly sinking to the floor (note: chair has sunk more and I am nearly sitting on floor now)

Person: Is the chair sinking?

Me: Yeah hang on....(get in awkward bendy pose to reach the lifty lever and look like idiot lift chair up again) were saying?

Person: Finishes story.....

Me: Chair sinks again and person 2 walks up for a conversation.....Go back to beginning....


Another reason chair is evil:

Not only making me look like an idiot as I slowly sink from regular sitting position to Japanese floor sitting pose.  

The chair likes to taunt me with it's "sides" that on a person would be like shoulders, you know if the chair were a person and like chairs had shoulders).
You think to yourself. Ah Ha! I shall hang my jacket on this chair and it will stay on the back and hold it up with said chair shoulders.

Chair is surprisingly deceptive....after today rolling my knee cap into the edge and having me scream in pain (so loud my co-worker inquires as to my well being) cause I hit my knee on the desk to which the chair is a companion (evil desk story in later post) 

Chair pushes jacket secretly off back of chair where arms drag on dirty floor and get dust on black sleeves.  

So yeah, other day....pissed off at chair.....get up unwind jacket arms from wheels which have been abusing them and shake jacket to get dust off.....

Okay, you know the little squeezy buttons on the end of like strings on jackets to tighten around your waist or a hood? 

So as I shake dust and grime from wheel abuse off jacket, hard plastic squeezy thing hits me in the eye and I worried all day that I would have a black eye from this incident and have to explain to everyone I work with that a tiny plastic button on my jacket hit me in the eye. 

Not something cool like I beat someone up like a champ! Nope....defeated by plastic jacket thingie


I want to turn over said chair one day and see if instead of Made in China it says....Made in Depths of Hell or North Korea....maybe it's a secret weapon to annoy all Americans to death? I now have a new conspiracy theory! SWEET! I SO NEED MORE OF THOSE! (conspiracy theories, not evil secret annoying secret weapons)

Okay, so that's my random chair story of the evil chair......

Love ya!

Monday, February 24, 2014


Ok listen, don't judge me but. Monday and Tuesday are my days off. 

Here's today summary:
Drove a shit load of miles home from Atlanta. Stuck in Calhoun Georgia for 30 minutes

Got home picked up my dog and she cried cause she wanted to stay at boarding place. (Felt bad)

I'm seriously depressed no more BFF's. They all live far away. (Utterly depressed)

Thinking about taking up a habit of drinking one glass of wines night. (scared I might become an alchie) 

Randomly get depressed when remember I am sadly completely single. (

Tried to write a funny blog post and I'm not. (Typical)

Laying in bed waiting to get tired and fall asleep so I can go to the dentist tomorrow and take my dog to the vet at the crack of dawn. (Bitchin day off if I do say so myself)

That was Monday. Blah. 

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Thoughts about Atlanta

- dude, traffic in the dictionary has DON'T DRIVE IN THIS CITY IF AT ALL AVOIDABLE

Need gps to get ANYWHERE. No road patterns nothing makes sense everything named after peach. 

Should be renamed Suburblanta. No one actually LIVES in the city they commute there and drive home to their millions of Suburbs in all directions. 

Has every chain store, restaurant, etc. in the entire land. (Exception L.A) 

Cannot handle precipitation of any kind. Interstate literally shut down cause it snowed recently. Mayor publicly apologized saying. Whoops we didn't think it would happen. We will do better next time. Please retrieve car from interstate after abandonment. 

Best friend lives here may move to Texas or Seattle in future (FUCK,)

Bigger than Nashville 

Good Sushi. Lots of movie theaters. Not in Tennessee. That's a plus. 

Makes you crap money. Will go broke in hours. Can't afford to live here. 

Be home on Monday after 4 hour drive up and down a damn scary mountain. 

70 degrees this week last week 17 and snow. WTF? 

Have to leave today torn between morning rush hour traffic and staying at my BFFs house with her husband who hates me. Hmmm.  

4 hours from home, did I mention mountain? 70 degrees. No coat needed. Wth? Winter over? Has Spring arrived. 

Want teleporter. 

Am broke. See comment above about crapping money. But got cool smancy stuff. 



Saturday, February 22, 2014

You will read and I will be awesome.... Or not... Whatever

There is this thing I do sometimes. Always at the most inconvenient moments. My inner monologue that's highly unentertaining. It's called THINKING. It's an activity I never enjoy and in this task I completely OVERACHIEVE. 
I totally accepted. I totally succeeded. 
I had a point but I forgot it in my search for the perfect pic to insert. Oh well guess I will figure it out. 

I have a dream.... 
Not like MLKJR. A total badass. 
No, my dream is much less lofty. Much less inspiring and definitely not going to impact the world. I wanna be a professional blogger like my idols Or my fellow blonde bombshell ( I wish) Allie Brosh and her blog If you need a laugh then go read those two women who are comic geniuses. Move over Jerry Seinfeld and whoever is considered a comic genius. 

I have one huge problem. I have no clue how to make money out of my stupid rants and opinions. Business according to my grades in college was never really my strongest subject, which seems odd since it's the thing both my parents seem amazing at. 

I think that gene missed me. I also have a horrible habit of sheer unavoidable overwhelmingly strong laziness. It's like a ghost that haunts my thoughts. Not to mention an intriguingly unbreakable habit of saying everything that pops into my head as soon as it does. Anyone who suffers from aforementioned affliction knows it does nothing but make life harder than it needs to be. I'm missing that social coffee filter for thought. Also, apparently a gene that missed me. 

The bloggers I worship all have such interesting stories. I suffer from being the extra in the background of the lives of truly interesting people I totally skate the ordinary line. Them ordinary peeps they my peeps. Sup my peeps?

I lack confidence which I hear in normal life is like oxygen so my normalcy suffocated a long time ago. 
I mourned it. I got over it. I moved on with my crazy ordinary existence. I don't collect cool things or worship any celebrity an odd yet interesting amount. I don't make stuff like crafts. I know how to spell fairly well and I am so guilty of always taking the easy way. 

I am my own worst enemy and I'm so clever I don't know how to defeat enemy me. I guess or I could be crazy. Oh wait that's a big check mark. I have OCD but not in the cleanliness sort of way which really pisses me off. I suffer from depression, chronic low self esteem, laziness, lack of confidence and lack of the ability to recognize why anyone likes me. I try to be nice it's all I know how to do. 

Step 1: Force people to read. I don't know how to do this yet but I will stick it in my random thoughts that keep me annoyingly awake when I just wanna sleep file. 

Step 2: Accomplish step one lets not get ahead of ourselves now. 

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Music speaks....or sings to my soul :)

There's a reason music speaks to the thing within us we refer to as a soul. 

Every once in a while that moment when a song plays that seems to put into lyrics EXACTLY what you don't know how to say. It's the closest thing we mere mortals will come to true real world magic. 

No TV show, magazine, movie, or any other form of media can speak to what we call a "heart" as completely as a song can. 

A song can tell a story that so desperately needs to be told, teach a lesson that otherwise couldn't be taught or even communicated any other way. 

A song can do the thing that we all search for every moment we breathe. It can make us feel ALIVE! 

So many times a song will speak a truth that people would dare never speak any other time. 

You are reading the blog of a completely horrible singer. I can't write a decent song if my life depended on it. I stare in awe at those that can write a song in 20 minutes. That's something I could never do and I admit it. 

We all have our talents. Our God-given gifts realized, or in my case unrealized. I challenge anyone to think of something you want to say that you can't find a song to say. I may be wrong but I don't think it's possible. 

Music is the one thing that's completely universal. It affects every person on Earth no matter financial or economic condition, circumstance, race, generation or any other category you can put a human being in. 

Everyone has a favorite song, though they may change often. Mine changes almost daily. If you ask me who my favorite artist is I will never be able to answer not in any truly definitive amount of time. Ask me on Tuesday and my answer might be different on Wednesday. Such is the power of music. Literally, fun for our ears. So crank it up. Sing along and enjoy your life one song at a time. 

That's my opinion oughta be yours.