Damn You Possessed Evil Chair At My Work

Okay, so where I work they have these "rolly" chairs....you know the ones with wheels that you know...roll.

Things about hateful, evil chair:
-all cracked and wheels are so covered in dust and grime they are no longer black.

-legs do not steer it where you would like it to go (see later in post where bang knee OUCH!!!!)

-little lever that "lifts it up" works but only sorta. (look like idiot standing up and adjusting lever)

Here's a little story that has happened more than once: (Daily more like)

Me:  Hi (to other person, not chair)  How are you? (serious face) What's happening in your life...blah blah...serious talk serious talk....(listening intently) 

Person: Response, response..... serious..... serious

Me: Still listening intently chair sinks one notch.... I ignore it keep listening.  Chair keeps sinking another notch this time a little sooner than before.

Person: Talking away about something I should be paying attention to but all I can think about is that the damn chair is sinking. 

Me: Wonder and obsess over whether I look like a complete idiot as I'm listening intently and slowly sinking to the floor (note: chair has sunk more and I am nearly sitting on floor now)

Person: Is the chair sinking?

Me: Yeah hang on....(get in awkward bendy pose to reach the lifty lever and look like idiot lift chair up again) Continue...you were saying?

Person: Finishes story.....

Me: Chair sinks again and person 2 walks up for a conversation.....Go back to beginning....

IT'S A VICIOUS CIRCLE! CHAIR IS EVIL! 

Another reason chair is evil:

Not only making me look like an idiot as I slowly sink from regular sitting position to Japanese floor sitting pose.  

The chair likes to taunt me with it's "sides" that on a person would be like shoulders, you know if the chair were a person and like chairs had shoulders).
  
You think to yourself. Ah Ha! I shall hang my jacket on this chair and it will stay on the back and hold it up with said chair shoulders.

Chair is surprisingly deceptive....after today rolling my knee cap into the edge and having me scream in pain (so loud my co-worker inquires as to my well being) cause I hit my knee on the desk to which the chair is a companion (evil desk story in later post) 

Chair pushes jacket secretly off back of chair where arms drag on dirty floor and get dust on black sleeves.  

So yeah, other day....pissed off at chair.....get up unwind jacket arms from wheels which have been abusing them and shake jacket to get dust off.....

Okay, you know the little squeezy buttons on the end of like strings on jackets to tighten around your waist or a hood? 

So as I shake dust and grime from wheel abuse off jacket, hard plastic squeezy thing hits me in the eye and I worried all day that I would have a black eye from this incident and have to explain to everyone I work with that a tiny plastic button on my jacket hit me in the eye. 

Not something cool like I beat someone up like a champ! Nope....defeated by plastic jacket thingie

BUT IT'S ALL BECAUSE THE EVIL CHAIR WON'T HOLD MY JACKET ON IT'S CHAIR SHOULDERS

I want to turn over said chair one day and see if instead of Made in China it says....Made in Depths of Hell or North Korea....maybe it's a secret weapon to annoy all Americans to death? I now have a new conspiracy theory! SWEET! I SO NEED MORE OF THOSE! (conspiracy theories, not evil secret annoying secret weapons)

Okay, so that's my random chair story of the evil chair......

Love ya!
JP

Mondays.....blah

Ok listen, don't judge me but. Monday and Tuesday are my days off. 

Here's today summary:

Drove a shit load of miles home from Atlanta. Stuck in Calhoun Georgia for 30 minutes

Got home picked up my dog and she cried cause she wanted to stay at boarding place. (Felt bad)

I'm seriously depressed no more BFF's. They all live far away. (Utterly depressed)

Thinking about taking up a habit of drinking one glass of wines night. (scared I might become an alchie) 

Randomly get depressed when remember I am sadly completely single. (Now...now...now...not now...now)

Tried to write a funny blog post and I'm not. (Typical)

Laying in bed waiting to get tired and fall asleep so I can go to the dentist tomorrow and take my dog to the vet at the crack of dawn. (Bitchin day off if I do say so myself)

That was Monday. Blah. 

Thoughts about Atlanta

- dude, traffic in the dictionary has DON'T DRIVE IN THIS CITY IF AT ALL AVOIDABLE

Need gps to get ANYWHERE. No road patterns nothing makes sense everything named after peach. 

Should be renamed Suburblanta. No one actually LIVES in the city they commute there and drive home to their millions of Suburbs in all directions. 

Has every chain store, restaurant, etc. in the entire land. (Exception L.A) 

Cannot handle precipitation of any kind. Interstate literally shut down cause it snowed recently. Mayor publicly apologized saying. Whoops we didn't think it would happen. We will do better next time. Please retrieve car from interstate after abandonment. 

Best friend lives here may move to Texas or Seattle in future (FUCK,)

Bigger than Nashville 

Good Sushi. Lots of movie theaters. Not in Tennessee. That's a plus. 

Makes you crap money. Will go broke in hours. Can't afford to live here. 

Be home on Monday after 4 hour drive up and down a damn scary mountain. 

70 degrees this week last week 17 and snow. WTF? 

Have to leave today torn between morning rush hour traffic and staying at my BFFs house with her husband who hates me. Hmmm.  

4 hours from home, did I mention mountain? 70 degrees. No coat needed. Wth? Winter over? Has Spring arrived. 

Want teleporter. 

Am broke. See comment above about crapping money. But got cool smancy stuff. 

MUST CART SHIT HOME. FIND WAY OUT. SIT IN TRAFFIC. SHIT ON A SHINGLE MAN!!!

Love, 

JP

You will read and I will be awesome.... Or not... Whatever

There is this thing I do sometimes. Always at the most inconvenient moments. My inner monologue that's highly unentertaining. It's called THINKING. It's an activity I never enjoy and in this task I completely OVERACHIEVE. 

I totally accepted. I totally succeeded. 

I had a point but I forgot it in my search for the perfect pic to insert. Oh well guess I will figure it out. 

I have a dream.... 

Not like MLKJR. A total badass. 

No, my dream is much less lofty. Much less inspiring and definitely not going to impact the world. I wanna be a professional blogger like my idols http://thebloggess.com. Or my fellow blonde bombshell ( I wish) Allie Brosh and her blog http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com. If you need a laugh then go read those two women who are comic geniuses. Move over Jerry Seinfeld and whoever is considered a comic genius. 

I have one huge problem. I have no clue how to make money out of my stupid rants and opinions. Business according to my grades in college was never really my strongest subject, which seems odd since it's the thing both my parents seem amazing at. 

I think that gene missed me. I also have a horrible habit of sheer unavoidable overwhelmingly strong laziness. It's like a ghost that haunts my thoughts. Not to mention an intriguingly unbreakable habit of saying everything that pops into my head as soon as it does. Anyone who suffers from aforementioned affliction knows it does nothing but make life harder than it needs to be. I'm missing that social coffee filter for thought. Also, apparently a gene that missed me. 

The bloggers I worship all have such interesting stories. I suffer from being the extra in the background of the lives of truly interesting people I totally skate the ordinary line. Them ordinary peeps they my peeps. Sup my peeps?

I lack confidence which I hear in normal life is like oxygen so my normalcy suffocated a long time ago. 

I mourned it. I got over it. I moved on with my crazy ordinary existence. I don't collect cool things or worship any celebrity an odd yet interesting amount. I don't make stuff like crafts. I know how to spell fairly well and I am so guilty of always taking the easy way. 

I am my own worst enemy and I'm so clever I don't know how to defeat enemy me. I guess or I could be crazy. Oh wait that's a big check mark. I have OCD but not in the cleanliness sort of way which really pisses me off. I suffer from depression, chronic low self esteem, laziness, lack of confidence and lack of the ability to recognize why anyone likes me. I try to be nice it's all I know how to do. 

Step 1: Force people to read. I don't know how to do this yet but I will stick it in my random thoughts that keep me annoyingly awake when I just wanna sleep file. 

Step 2: Accomplish step one lets not get ahead of ourselves now.