I'm So Gonna Be A Billionaire Like Bruno Mars!

           
           Every once in a year maybe twice if I'm lucky I get a wild hair and I decide. Hey I need to write in my blog cause it's like a diary and stuff and I have been neglecting it. Well Here goes probably the only entry for 2016 and it's only February but miracles can happen. 

Today I want to talk about my life if I had a billion dollars like I win the lottery or something. What would be different what would be on my list of things to buy. 

1.  The first thing I would do would donate money to some like smarty pants doctors and tell them to cure depression in all forms. Because no matter how much money I have that would not change.  I think I would also start a really insanely pervasive campaign to tell people. "Listen asshole, I can't just snap out of it." It's not just something you get over in time. Get it straight dude! I think I would have ribbons too but what color would they be? Hmm dunno...gray? Oh they already exist. They are green? Are we jealous other people don't have depression. I don't understand this? Or is this just the only ribbon color left? Gray seems more fitting but whatever. If I had 100 billion dollars I could change it to the way I want it.

2.  Then I thought okay well I would want a nicer car. But like my little red Hyundai has everything I need. Maybe I could get a heated steering wheel installed but like there are gloves. Maybe I would just buy another car to drive around in, in the snow cause Nashville has been pissing me off with all this damn ice and snow the past few years.  

No you cannot have a ride and yes I will be there. Wherever there is....

3. I think the next thing I would buy well I thought about this. I thought how about a bigger house... well why though....I like my house it needs help I would buy the help but do I really need a bigger house for just me and then like all the people that come out of the woodwork when you suddenly have money would want to stay in the guest rooms and stuff and just no. 



4. I would of course quit my job which would in turn ruin my life because my depression is so border line under control. Like if I had money I think I would just like sleep all the time and like live in my bed and never go out. Then I could pay someone to come get me up and be like my official "waker-upper" and then pay another person to train my dogs not to tear up my shit and then poop in the floor because like no matter what I do my one dog just refuses.  I would feel bad about making someone clean up poop but hey I'd pay them well. 

5. The 5th thing I would get would be like full body liposuction and boobs. Or if not that then a chef who would of course serve me in my bed healthy but not healthy tasting food that would make me skinny. Then I would hire someone to come and like exercise me. They would have to get the personal assistant I hired to poor like 20 Redbulls down my throat or like my adderall so I would actually you know....get out of bed. 

6. The 6th thing I would buy would be whatever hot guy I wanted at the moment to be my love slave. Right now it's Adam Levine. So yeah move over African mutant freak. I'm buying your husband! 

Then when I got sick of Adam I think I would buy one at a time of course I'm a LADY, the cast of Supernatural.  Like Jensen for a while, then Jared, then Misha and they would cater to me all while filming my show see below.

7.  Then I would like produce a tv show about my boring ass life and call it. My boring ass-life with depression. Then maybe my nieces would want to hang out with me because I'm convinced that those damn Kardashians only hang out with each other while the camera is rolling and then they are all like I hate you.....or like my nieces go to their respective rooms and play on their computers or phones or both.

8. The next thing I would buy would be whatever the hell Christie Brinkley is taking to look 20 when she's like 60 like wtf....genetics has a part but there is some magic potion or she sold her soul to the devil or something. I could sell my soul to the devil then buy it back that's how much money I would have! Omg I just googled it this woman is 60...satan owns her it's the only explanation! Seriously!

9. I almost forgot! The other thing I would buy would be a rocket to Mars. One way no return. I have a very long list of people that belong on it and there would be no choice the people I want would have to get on my damn rocket like I've always dreamed. and only some of them would get the suit thingies cause I hated them the least. Volunteering would not be an option. So I wouldn't piss me off lol. *cough* Kardashians and Jenners

SO I ASK WHAT WOULD BE DIFFERENT? 

Well what wouldn't be:

 -Is my dogs.. I love them they are my fur kids and stuff.

-I don't think I would buy a bigger house cause like how depressing is it to live in this ginormous mansion along with your two dogs. I don't even go up my stairs in the house I have now.  So there would be no point. 

-My car starts when I want it to. Maybe I would buy a car or invent one or something that goes to get it's own gas or something cause getting gas is just a stupid nuisance. After I bought all my man toys up further in this blog I think I wouldn't be happy because they would be with me for my money and because I've forced them and stuff and that would be fun for a bit then I'd be all but you don't love me. Leave! 

-So I still wouldn't have the one thing I've always dreamed of and that is: A soul-mate, a man who understands me and the inner workings of me. I don't know if that's even possible. I don't even understand the inner workings of me so how could someone else?  I certainly don't know if such a man exists, but if I had like all the liposuction and boobs maybe I would be more desirable leading to this dream....Idk....then there is this biological clock issue I want kids but I have no man so...um...yeah. Maybe I would hire that weirdo doctor dude from e-harmony to like find me a mate or else. Cause like I did the 45 minute quiz and had NO FREAKING MATCHES! That's first of all just awful and humiliating and second bad business. I mean in all the world not one person matches me ffs man help a sista out!!!!  Is there photoshop for real life? Just a random question for my e-harmony dates.

-I would pay people to make sure not a flake of snow or ice touches my driveway, but I can't pay them to do that for every road I use. I don't know if I'd leave Nashville and run away like I've wanted to forever in some fantasy world.  Like the movie Burlesque without the singing voice and the rocking bod. Cause like I have neither.  I'd be back in a week unfortunately, hate on it I do a lot, but Nashville is my home, I'm not sure I could live anywhere else. Have a 2nd, 3rd or 4th house somewhere sure, but I would live here mainly.

       After the networks cancelled my truly boring and depressing show about depression I would just hang out all day with my dogs I think. Because my nieces would have gone back to ignoring me and I would no longer be like a star on twitter and instagram so I'm just normal old aunt Julie the spinster. So yeah that would fade.

I wouldn't buy a boat or whatever that country song says. Cause boats take like effort and, no thanks! A yacht, maybe if it were run by the crew of that show about Yachting on like Bravo or something.  I can't think of it. It's call like All Aboard or something? I like water, but like boats take gas and like driving it and like effort and no one rich should ever have to use effort. The point of having money is to never have to work. 

OH MAYBE I WOULD GET ONE OF THOSE LADIE'S MAID PEOPLE LIKE ON DOWNTON ABBEY! Dress me and stuff! Woohoo! But I don't want to talk funny like them. I like American so like American Downton.

I would buy a plane maybe to take me to all these glamorous awards shows that I would have amazing seats and meet all the stars at them and put our pics on instagram cause like I would be the person to be seen with and stuff, because like I could buy them. The seats. I could buy the seats....but if I was that rich the stars too, everyone has a price. I'd be famous for being rich sort of like Paris Hilton and Donald Trump and all the Kardashians, without the stupidity and racism.  I would also pay Donald Trump to drop out of the Presidential race just stay where you belong Donnie! Celebrity Apprentice is good for you and as a President I say. YOU'RE FIRED! 

         I would become best friends with the biggest stars in Hollywood then the drama would start and they would be all busy or needy and no thanks....I'd be all like I'll call you and then just change my number. Then go home and snuggle with whatever hot guy was currently serving his time. I mean with me (hehe) NO DRAMA! and NO PAPARAZZI unless I looked smoking out or something, but that's like never so yeah no! 

       OH but with the plane comes my personal waker-upper and my personal chef and my personal assistant and my personal makeup artist and hair dresser cause like I'm too rich (lazy) to do it myself. You can't just show up at awards shows looking like I look every day that is just not acceptable I don't care how rich you are. Then I would pay someone to like entertain me during the boring parts. And like take me to all the parties and stuff...

      I would still be insecure as hell. No matter what I looked like or who I was friends with or how much money I had,  so meeting all these stars with my social anxiety would be all awkward, and being as blunt as I am.  I might actually tell Taylor Swift what I think of her and then she will like turn Apple against me or like summon Satan to murder me or something and then I would just go back to having no friends, except like Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez sometimes because they are like friends with everyone and I'm not sure that's a good thing.  Then Miley Cyrus would bug me and all that and I would be like dude put your tongue back in your mouth. What's with that I hate it. Grow your hair out and oh btw your boy friend or whatever may be on my list of men to buy for a few weeks so just be prepared and all that. 

But until that happens I will just have to wonder and wait. I might come up with some more stuff later but that's why there are multiple blog posts. So for the 2 people reading this blog because I like FORCED them or else. I hope you like it and stuff. Even if not you better comment below that you do I need the validation.

Love,
JP

I signed it like that  cause it's supposed to be an online diary and stuff but like it sounds stupid to say Dear Blog so yeah um......k.....more random thoughts to come when and what about are to remain a mystery! See, now my blog is all mysterious and tantalizing and you have to follow it cause like if you don't you may miss next year's post about something totally random cause I ramble it's what I do it's what I'm queen of. Long live the rambling queen....Is it weird if I say that about myself? Like Queen Elizabeth doesn't go around saying Long Live the Queen. Hmmm maybe I will buy the right to do that with all my money. 

Adulthood even negatively affects my dog....and how I burnt a hole in my jacket!

Ok so my dog Cotton (who's a girl dammit, get it straight A GIRL) and I disagree on feeding times.

 I think she should be fed in the mornings before I go to work. Cotton however disagrees. She in classic dog style likes to eat when SHE wants to no matter where I place her food. My friend Kristin thought it was cute because apparently it's a common things that doggies like to eat when you're there. The only problem with this logic is I'm THERE in the mornings too. How is that different?

Here's where things start to matter. Well I mean they matter cause I love Cotton like my child. It's rather sick actually.  I want her to eat so that she can live because like I said I love her an unhealthy amount. So, that's important. It's not that she eats that is the issue its when she chooses to do it. 

   I work from 7AM to 3:30 PM almost every single day. No really except two a week like a bonafide adult. Cotton, my precious, is very good about not using the carpet or other floor-like surfaces for a bathroom after much and I mean MUCH patience when she was a puppy trying to potty train her. Finally about a year and a nearly ruined carpet later, it worked. Puppies just can't hold it like dogs can. So, in a perfect world Cotton would gobble down her food in the morning like she used to (still investigating what changed) and then sadly because adulthood blows, 8 hours later I come home and immediately take her out. She goes about 95.4 percent of the time. (percentage estimated) 

So this habit she has of eating at night totally fucks up my world. There are good reasons why. One, I get all paranoid she will starve to death because she didn't eat her food and I will on occasion shut my bedroom door. The stupid thing behind this is that dogs have not yet mastered door knobs and therefore her uneaten food from the morning is behind the door. This I completely understand is all my fault but on the flip side if she'd eat in the morning like I want then I wouldn't have to shut the door when I leave.

I wouldn't shut my bedroom door but the very interesting things that she is amazing at finding when I leave my bedroom door open is kind of embarrassing if anyone else but me were to come over, such as previously worn underwear.  

   K, so little story, The other night it was some ungodly early hour like 1AM or something and Cotton mysteriously decided she couldn't sleep through the night and because she's cute as hell, her way of telling me she needs to potty is by laying her cute little head on my chest in bed and whining.  Well this one day as usual I was searching for shoes and a jacket as it was rather cold outside.  In the TV show West Wing Martin Sheen always throws his jacket backwards over his head and puts it on that way. Where he throws the back of it backwards.  Well this particular night, half asleep, I decide to pull this move for some inexplicable reason and then I smelt a strange smell. It smelled like something burning. Did I mention I have a very low hanging chandelier in my kitchen? Well if you have read this story it doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened.  My work jacket to go with my uniform now has a pretty burn hole in the bottom and I was so pissed, but not at Cotton.  It isn't her fault. When you gotta go you gotta go. I was pissed at the fact that I had to get up in like 3 hours and I totally goofed.....so it was my fault and now my OCD has to live with a hole in my damn jacket.  I can't forget it there. I try, but I can't. Poor Cotton couldn't figure out what the hell the hold up was.  Mommy was being dumb Cot.

Getting up at 1 AM and taking my dog out does not for good REM sleep make. Damn you adult job with adult responsibilities. I hate you!  More complaining on that job thingy later. Trust me it's my favorite thing to bitch about and since this is my blog I can! :P

Here is a picture of my baby!

That ladies and gentleman is the apple of my eye by Cot-Bot! (Cotton)

Down the Rabbit Hole

I've always dreamed of being one of these so-called "computer geniuses." (Also, a famous blogger you can have MORE THAN ONE dream, don't judge me.)

The adage "Be careful what you wish for." Is swirling around in my over active mind.

I recently noticed my computer is dragging ass.  Not my internet which, until we get Google Fiber Optics in a few years will just be slow and something we have to accept.

I don't care about the internet being slow, my computer in general is taking forever to do anything.  So I sought out one of these "computer genius" people that happens to be the boyfriend of my BFF. 

HE SCARES ME!  There's only one reason. In the type of OCD I have I tend to get obsessed with a subject and completely study the hell out of it until I know EVERYTHING. Prepare for me to bug the crap out of you, Michael, until I have picked your brain clean of all knowledge....I KID YOU NOT! BEWARE!

Sometimes ignorance truly is bliss.  He's introducing me to the world of installing RAM and SSD drives and how to make your computer bad ass without having to buy another one.

I feel myself going down the rabbit hole QUICKLY. It's a bottomless, never ending wealth of knowledge that I will never be able to get over completely. 

I lived under the stupid person fog of the belief Mac is awesome....get a Macbook and they last forever and you never have to worry.  Well I'm learning very quick that this is not the case.

When I was a kid if my toys would break I would completely go postal.  I am a person who always wants the best of everything and I never want it to break.  If it does break I want it fixed INSTANTLY. 

I think I need to recruit Harry fricking Potter to be like computero updato!

For example: a car should start when you turn the key, a computer should boot when you turn it on. If you push buttons on a keyboard that letter should just appear.

Once upon a time in temper tantrum land.  I had a macbook who's keys started falling off and I was all WTF? Keys aren't supposed to just be COMING OFF of computers WTH MAN! I went in and stalked the Mac Store until they gave me a new "E" button.  They weren't so happy with me after that. I think I have secretly been blacklisted from all Mac stores.  I was NOT a happy camper. TO SAY THE VERY LEAST!

When you mess with my toys you better be ready to deal with the fall out. It is not pretty! 

The only thing I take more seriously than my gadgets is my friendships, and anyone who knows me even a little knows how FIERCELY loyal I am and how I will cut a bitch for one of my friends.

So you can imagine how impossibly horrible I am when something I own breaks or is not in "the tip top best condition of anything in the world currently existing" (at least of the world I KNOW of)

My adult "toys" are not the dirty things that you are thinking of....GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER! My toys now are electronics.

BIG PROBLEM: Another reason why adulthood blows!
As a kid your parents bought you the toys and in my case if it broke you threw a fit until you got it fixed or got a new one.

Yeah another reason adulthood sucks is you have to spend your own damn money, or if that fails and you find yourself broke like me, explain to my completely computer illiterate parents why I need a new 2,000 dollar computer. That they see as a toy.....A VERY EXPENSIVE, OVER PRICED, NEVER GONNA HAPPEN, TOY.

-Did I mention that I just spend like 500 dollars on an IPAD mini? Oh yeah little over a month ago.. I NEEDED MORE TOYS!!!! To the complete annoyance of said parents who couldn't understand why I needed it. Which honestly I really don't

To me my hobbies are my life.  I don't NEED the fastest computer on Earth (I just want it).  I also want to be a famous blogger and that requires a keyboard and an internet connection and a tiny bit of writing talent, which I'm still deciding whether I have. Every time I have to WAIT for anything to load on my computer it used to frustrate me, yes, but now it INFURIATES the hell out of me.  MUST BE FASTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

COMPUTERO UPDATO....OR WALLETO GROWUS! JOBUS GET BETTERUS! Surely Harry Potter the "boy who lived" can help me out with this. Come on Harry you can kill Voldemort surely you can help me with my computer!

I'm seriously terrified of entering this new world of computer geekdom. Cause it's a bottomless pit of unending improvements and never ending releases of new and better toys.  Pray for me. I need it!

I'm seriously scared!

-gets in fetal position and sucks thumb trying to regain a semblance of my childhood-

BEING AN ADULT SUCKS! The only thing that makes being an adult a teeny bit better is LOTS AND LOTS OF MONEY! SO I NEED THAT! NOW! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh! Here I go quickly down the rabbit hole. I hope Alice is there to help me navigate wonderland....

JP

Damn You Possessed Evil Chair At My Work

Okay, so where I work they have these "rolly" chairs....you know the ones with wheels that you know...roll.

Things about hateful, evil chair:
-all cracked and wheels are so covered in dust and grime they are no longer black.

-legs do not steer it where you would like it to go (see later in post where bang knee OUCH!!!!)

-little lever that "lifts it up" works but only sorta. (look like idiot standing up and adjusting lever)

Here's a little story that has happened more than once: (Daily more like)

Me:  Hi (to other person, not chair)  How are you? (serious face) What's happening in your life...blah blah...serious talk serious talk....(listening intently) 

Person: Response, response..... serious..... serious

Me: Still listening intently chair sinks one notch.... I ignore it keep listening.  Chair keeps sinking another notch this time a little sooner than before.

Person: Talking away about something I should be paying attention to but all I can think about is that the damn chair is sinking. 

Me: Wonder and obsess over whether I look like a complete idiot as I'm listening intently and slowly sinking to the floor (note: chair has sunk more and I am nearly sitting on floor now)

Person: Is the chair sinking?

Me: Yeah hang on....(get in awkward bendy pose to reach the lifty lever and look like idiot lift chair up again) Continue...you were saying?

Person: Finishes story.....

Me: Chair sinks again and person 2 walks up for a conversation.....Go back to beginning....

IT'S A VICIOUS CIRCLE! CHAIR IS EVIL! 

Another reason chair is evil:

Not only making me look like an idiot as I slowly sink from regular sitting position to Japanese floor sitting pose.  

The chair likes to taunt me with it's "sides" that on a person would be like shoulders, you know if the chair were a person and like chairs had shoulders).
  
You think to yourself. Ah Ha! I shall hang my jacket on this chair and it will stay on the back and hold it up with said chair shoulders.

Chair is surprisingly deceptive....after today rolling my knee cap into the edge and having me scream in pain (so loud my co-worker inquires as to my well being) cause I hit my knee on the desk to which the chair is a companion (evil desk story in later post) 

Chair pushes jacket secretly off back of chair where arms drag on dirty floor and get dust on black sleeves.  

So yeah, other day....pissed off at chair.....get up unwind jacket arms from wheels which have been abusing them and shake jacket to get dust off.....

Okay, you know the little squeezy buttons on the end of like strings on jackets to tighten around your waist or a hood? 

So as I shake dust and grime from wheel abuse off jacket, hard plastic squeezy thing hits me in the eye and I worried all day that I would have a black eye from this incident and have to explain to everyone I work with that a tiny plastic button on my jacket hit me in the eye. 

Not something cool like I beat someone up like a champ! Nope....defeated by plastic jacket thingie

BUT IT'S ALL BECAUSE THE EVIL CHAIR WON'T HOLD MY JACKET ON IT'S CHAIR SHOULDERS

I want to turn over said chair one day and see if instead of Made in China it says....Made in Depths of Hell or North Korea....maybe it's a secret weapon to annoy all Americans to death? I now have a new conspiracy theory! SWEET! I SO NEED MORE OF THOSE! (conspiracy theories, not evil secret annoying secret weapons)

Okay, so that's my random chair story of the evil chair......

Love ya!
JP